5/6/2017
So as I am re-reading this I can see how all the thoughts might feel jumbled or out of place, but this is just me, so I might as well post it.
Tonight, as I sat in my sunroom reading a new book from one of my favorite places, I felt like I was home. This year has had a lot of challenges and things that really have just made me feel, well, like crap. I think I have felt like i've been pushed down by a lot of things. A lot of things in my life have felt good, and most days they actually are good, but some days man, things just get me down. But today I realized that I have come to this place in my brain that has given me freedom to feel sad, and broken, and vulnerable - because when I feel those things, I am usually met by Jesus, who sits with me, and really lets me just be myself, and that feels really sweet.
Tonight, for the first time, I felt like myself. For example, a couple weeks ago I decided that this semester would be my last for YoungLife, and with that has came a lot of doubts, but even after my last club this past Wednesday, I felt peace. It seemed that even through hard things, Jesus is with us.
I feel like I am ready for a new start, a new beginning, and I am also so ready to grow. I feel like I am already on my way. There is this feeling I get when I turn on Penny & Sparrow radio on Pandora, (call me crazy but) I don't even know how to explain it. It is like when I turn on the music I imagine myself driving or walking through woods in places with mountains and adventure. I feel this sense of newness and freshness. It feels like freedom in a song. It feels like I feel like home. Have you ever had that feeling? The feeling of when you turn on a song or think of someone, and frankly just feel like there is no place you'd rather be, because you don't feel alone and you aren't worried about your future? You just feel protected, safe, and like things are just.... okay? That is how I felt tonight. I felt like for the first time in my life I could breathe. I felt like for once, I knew who I was. This is the weirdest feeling guys. God has brought me through the hardest time these past few months, but he has walked so closely. Sometimes it isn't until after things get better that I know he was with me the whole time. It is like going through your old childhood home videos, watching yourself being an idiot and so naive, and seeing your dad or your mom in the background, just standing close enough to hold you if you need them.
Tonight, as I was reading a book (FOR FUN WHAT) I decided that the trees in my backyard looked just, magical. I also decided that if I wasn't on the swing right in between the trees, I was missing out. I stalled for a while because I was comfy on the couch in the sunroom, but as it was getting near to sunset I decided to take an adventure outside. It was brisk and beautiful. As I walked out I thought about going to Colorado in a few weeks, and how I will have more beautiful experiences like this. I sat on the swing and began to read my book. As my iPhone played some of my favorite music from the pocket of my overalls, I decided that there was no place I would rather be. Sitting on that swing, feeling no ties really to anyone, reading a book, enjoying the sweetness of Jesus, and just sitting. Jesus has felt so near. I can't explain it but all I can think of is sweet. Because I just think of how broken I feel, and fragile, and hurting, but I also know that Jesus is with me right here. Feeling in that moment that I am His, and He is mine. The fact that He sits with us is the most beautiful thing.
Tonight, as I sat in my sunroom reading a new book from one of my favorite places, I felt like I was home. This year has had a lot of challenges and things that really have just made me feel, well, like crap. I think I have felt like i've been pushed down by a lot of things. A lot of things in my life have felt good, and most days they actually are good, but some days man, things just get me down. But today I realized that I have come to this place in my brain that has given me freedom to feel sad, and broken, and vulnerable - because when I feel those things, I am usually met by Jesus, who sits with me, and really lets me just be myself, and that feels really sweet.
Tonight, for the first time, I felt like myself. For example, a couple weeks ago I decided that this semester would be my last for YoungLife, and with that has came a lot of doubts, but even after my last club this past Wednesday, I felt peace. It seemed that even through hard things, Jesus is with us.
I feel like I am ready for a new start, a new beginning, and I am also so ready to grow. I feel like I am already on my way. There is this feeling I get when I turn on Penny & Sparrow radio on Pandora, (call me crazy but) I don't even know how to explain it. It is like when I turn on the music I imagine myself driving or walking through woods in places with mountains and adventure. I feel this sense of newness and freshness. It feels like freedom in a song. It feels like I feel like home. Have you ever had that feeling? The feeling of when you turn on a song or think of someone, and frankly just feel like there is no place you'd rather be, because you don't feel alone and you aren't worried about your future? You just feel protected, safe, and like things are just.... okay? That is how I felt tonight. I felt like for the first time in my life I could breathe. I felt like for once, I knew who I was. This is the weirdest feeling guys. God has brought me through the hardest time these past few months, but he has walked so closely. Sometimes it isn't until after things get better that I know he was with me the whole time. It is like going through your old childhood home videos, watching yourself being an idiot and so naive, and seeing your dad or your mom in the background, just standing close enough to hold you if you need them.
Tonight, as I was reading a book (FOR FUN WHAT) I decided that the trees in my backyard looked just, magical. I also decided that if I wasn't on the swing right in between the trees, I was missing out. I stalled for a while because I was comfy on the couch in the sunroom, but as it was getting near to sunset I decided to take an adventure outside. It was brisk and beautiful. As I walked out I thought about going to Colorado in a few weeks, and how I will have more beautiful experiences like this. I sat on the swing and began to read my book. As my iPhone played some of my favorite music from the pocket of my overalls, I decided that there was no place I would rather be. Sitting on that swing, feeling no ties really to anyone, reading a book, enjoying the sweetness of Jesus, and just sitting. Jesus has felt so near. I can't explain it but all I can think of is sweet. Because I just think of how broken I feel, and fragile, and hurting, but I also know that Jesus is with me right here. Feeling in that moment that I am His, and He is mine. The fact that He sits with us is the most beautiful thing.
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